I am struggling to bring back that gusto in me...
Those were the first words i typed while waiting for my good friend from the south...so that was like 3 hrs ago...
I thought i wont be able to cook the sour soup for u..coz i was struggling between the
8pm closing of the market and this friend of mine waiting for my text...since the super duper oc-oc in me to hit the sked and not to turn down my lakad, i struggled to hit it both...
Well, there were things i'd like to say pa before we part ways but then again, the pride in me won and i might not be able to tell them without a tear drop (what's new?!).
I realized after the coffee talk with my friend, he mentioned that he has no regrets in life and he thought he's living a full life now... So, i dig some parts in my life-what are these that bother me and keeping me away frim my usual self when i talk to u...
The analogy, that a person / clay that conforms with the steel..yes i feel that in the early stages then i realize it wasn't bad coz it means the steel was built to be that way...then again in as much as i wanted to be like a steel or build another steel i struggle again coz i know i won't be a steel... Coz i wasn't built to be like that...there goes the 'individuality' i guess..
Each time i utter 'you're losing it' it was actually for me... I am losing it.. My faith in you flickers in an empty space that i get scared coz i might lose it permanently.. And i don't want it.. Coz i keep reminding myself i would be in total wreck if that day comes..so i struggle to hold it--thank God the last time i checked, there have been ways and alternatives to tighten the grip.. Yeah, coz i was hurt, that's why!
The last time i told you that i wanted to end my tampo, that was true.. I thought it was totally flushed out from my system but there were instances that it haunted me..maybe bcoz i havent told you why... I was so sensitive, big time..coz of personal issues (as always!) see, i've always been complicated... And my issues are eveywhere...and i want them to stop..totally! But that would mean ending my life, too... Am not being suicidal, what i meant lang was just to completely shut down from the world..
I duno if this is just depression or i am just bored coz it's sooo paulit ulit.. Or maybe both.. I don't want to keep secrets from u coz u know i've been real naman.. Sometimes lang i feel i don't deserve you...sometimes i feel am so OA when i try to show that i care for u, ur health, ur fambam.. And then sometimes i feel u don't care naman to me.. And even if u said u don't need me kahit pa-joke there's a tinge there... Then i thought maybe u really don't need me naman talaga ako lang tong matyaga! (Dba?!)
Iniisip ko na lang maybe this is just a phase..coz it's alarming that we're still friends for three years.. And i'm proud of it just kind'a sad that i could only shout it in my room and scibble it in my head...and vandalize it in my note...but then again, i'm thankful coz i know God heard me when i was about to give up believing in friendship...snd that was 3 yrs ago...
You know, when i'm interacting now with my other friends, i've realized how far i've gone through just sticking with u..i could say a bigger part of me now was due to the experiences, ek ek motivations, instructions, recommendations, best practices, first hand infos et al... I've got from you..or i've been getting from you...
Then a part of me would say, are u done? Will there be more?
What is clearer now at this stage in our lives, in our friendship?! What is it that i could still learn from you? Do u also learn from me? Have you also realized some things from a nonsense individual like me who happened to have a 'sapi' most of the time? Do you ever get tired of hearing my stupid stories and kababawans?! I really wouldn't know, maybe i won't be able to know..
