October 6, 2012
Dear Friend,
On my way home from the wake of
my colleague’s father, random thoughts were swirling in my head. I really want to grab my ‘yankee’ (my
notebook) and compose these thoughts. (I
just hope I could remember the words I desire to write the moment I rode that
cab!)
I was with my friend, “PEA”. During those long hours with him in the wake,
we talked about our previous relationships.
Well, I only had one though so I could say; we talked more of his
relationships. He talked about his four
and a half year-relationship with this girl and a little of his former
girlfriends after her. He was really
serious when he started recalling their memories. I was surprised that even if Pea and I have
known each other for four years (we are office-mates and this man have gone a
long, long way in his career because he is now a unit head in one of the
departments in our company), there were still untold stories that he only
shared to me just today. And I know,
from that moment he started sharing those kept emotions and insights, it made a
difference in our friendship.
There were similarities (based on
his stories) somehow on what we've gone through in the past. He even told me that I might look down on him
after hearing his ‘evilness’ he did during his relationship with this girl way
back from college. Okay, I’ll call her
‘G’ to make this more sensible. ‘G’ is
his ultimate epitome of a girl. Smart,
articulate, sane, rational and most of all, loves him so dearly. She helped him in so many ways from
assignments, thesis and the ‘coping-up’ with the city lifestyle since Pea came
from Mindoro and studied in
UP (University of the Philippines). It all started in the wake, when we were talking
about college life, the tuition fees and struggles of finishing thesis. So, when the
subject ‘thesis’ was brought up it was (somehow) synonymous to her ‘G’. He recall how much she was loved by her, I
asked him what he did to her given that she loved him unconditionally and I was
amazed by his answer, “I made him happy.”
The moment he said those words, my heart was breaking. I felt right in that moment, how much Pea loved
her in return. It’s not that I am
jealous or what, it was because I was satisfied with his answer.
Throughout that night, I sensed
how sorry he was of hurting her. I told
him that I felt for the girl. (yeah, I know how hard it was to do a thesis and do someone's thesis then in an instant-voila-zero communication!) He
said he knew that if he worked a little harder in their relationship, they could still be together. I presumed that
G & I could be friends, and well, Pea agreed.
He browsed G’s
Facebook page and showed me her photos from way
back. She’s in a relationship now and
seemed so contented by seeing her smile. We
both want to believe that G is happier now with this guy, who looks okay and
his aura (for me) was really cool. But,
what made Pea remembered G was the entirety of their relationship. You know the typical set-up, happy, sad,
intoxicating experiences and the struggles that you can imagine having in a
relationship (especially if it’s a first major-serious relationship). See, I've always been so idealistic when it
comes to 'love' and ‘relationship’ topics, but I always believed in each one’s unique story. Theirs were similar to mine.
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| Pensieve is an object used to review memories. |
While hearing his revelations, I
was adamant. Something was happening
again in my bank of memories. It’s like
I am in
Dumbledore’s
pensieve in one of
Harry Potter’s adventures. I felt like I was in that scene again with my
ex. The parting-ways scene. We were sitting in the sofa seven years
ago. A day before that scene, we text-ed each other and that we need to talk. See, it
all started when I waited for him for three hours because he said he will fetch
me from work. I believed him despite
several promises that he will pick me up from my office, and if I am not mistaken, that was the fifth or sixth attempt?
I told him I only waited for an hour and a half and then I just decided to
go home. But the truth --I was there
from 5 PM up to 8 PM. I tried calling his
mobile but can’t be reached and several unanswered texts were sent to him. That was the thing that triggered me that I
thought from being ‘best-friends’, our set-up will be a little different, that somehow there should be this extraordinary treatment since we already leveled up as
BF-GF. It was kind ‘a sad to think that
way, or the reason was so lame (generally speaking) because it was just about
bringing me home from work. But, you
see, he done that several times, he made promises even before (I won’t bring up
those days anymore and I am not being bitter here, okay?), one was a ‘supposed
valentine date’ as best friends, yeah, just the two of us. Still,
he stood me up so what was the difference when he said he will pick me up from my office?
So, he agreed that we should talk and that was the scene I vividly
remembered and slowly, I can hear Pea who's still talking about her G.
I told Pea that my ex wanted ‘space’ and I don’t. I told Pea that on my part, the fact that my
ex have thought of that ‘space’ -- he is giving up on us. Unlike me, it never crossed my mind that we
need it because I've always believed that we can work it out. I didn't ask for him to fetch me because I
know he was doing his thesis then, but he was the one who insisted, it's just that, he didn't show up. Was that my problem? And
now he’s the one guilty because he can’t fulfill his duties as my boyfriend? You
know the reason why he didn't show up was because he fell asleep. (Okay, stop giving me that awkward
smile!) See, I never demanded anything
from him long as we know we both have each other and that we are both there for
each other. I told him from day 1 that I know what I am getting into. I know his personal background, plans in life after graduation, the status after marching on stage. See, I really don't want to be a
distraction to his studies or thesis. I didn't want that break up. But I have to
give it to him so he won’t be guilty anymore in taking care of me. And he agreed of that break up. But, of course, I wanted him to fight for us and disagree
with me and let me know and make me feel that we can still work things out, that it was just a little adjustment (or major?) on how we handle our relationship because of the switch from being 'bestfriends' to an instant bf/gf. I felt numb after that. I wanted to cry but my tears were not
cooperating well. I was still overwhelmed
with the adjustment of having this ‘first boyfriend’ (in short, I was still in
cloud 9 then). We are about to hit our 3
rd
month in just 2 days when we parted. And
then from that pensive, my thoughts returned to Pea and his stories about G.
After I smoked a cigarette from
the balcony of that chapel, Pea let me read this write-up made by G. He was so proud of her being a good
writer. I couldn't agree more. Pea said, G really knows her well and yes, I
could say they really shared lots of things together. I told Pea that for a girl to write his
autobiography as sleek as that, she must have been really in-love with him. When I say in-love with him, this is not the
type of ‘head-over-heels’ kind of love.
With Pea’s stories, the write-up, the thesis-making the fondness they
had for each other, I could really say, the girl really loved him
wholeheartedly. You know the kind of love
that has grown into you? Boundless.
Infinite.
[With the word infinite, this is
a famous word from the book I am reading right now. “
The Perks of Being a Wallflower.” I love the story. I like how teenagers' experiences were interpreted, and how ‘growing up’ and that awkward stage from high school were expressed.
Well, this type of writing I am doing right now was inspired by that
book…(
epistolary) I also love how the main character (Charlie)
valued his friends and felt that their friendship was INFINITE! Gees! I will
just write more of that book one of these days.]
That nostalgic night (or wee
hours) with Pea was one of our ‘solemn’ talks.
You know that kind of talk you have with a friend that just knows what’s
on your mind just by saying one word. I
appreciate him being like that because I want it just like that. No need for me to explain things, or explain
my emotions, because most of the time, I don’t know exactly what I feel or
what’s my mood. He’s such a
quick-thinker or maybe he knows me well. Oh, I mean in terms of all my
reactions and actions. I don’t know, I
can’t explain it right here. Maybe
someday I could describe it well in writing.
Since I have written too much
about my friend, Pea, I’ll give you some facts about him. I’ll try my best to write as truthfully as
possible. I know I am not good in
writing, but I would really try my best since we are friends for four years now. We were not ‘instant’ friends. It just happened one day, if I am not
mistaken, he was working for nine months in our company when we became friends. One night, while I was doing a print advertisement
using Photoshop, he just asked me if I know how to ‘use’ a Photoshop (obviously,
because he saw my monitor then), I said yes (like, hello, I am already using
it, man!). It made me curious why he
asked me and it ended that he was more skilled in using that
software. Then, I was challenged how
well he knows it and I was disappointed because he really knows it well. Our closeness started with favors from me,
like downloading fonts I need for the projects I’m doing. Asking for copies of Prison Break’s new
episodes (even the past episodes I missed!) and the movies I longed to watch. It was our routine. In return, I give him food, well, he loves to
eat and when I say, eat, eat is understated. Hehehe! We talked about so much way back then. The reason that I was able to compare how
long we have been ‘talking’ friends because, more of the situations he revealed
to me last night, he was able to mention those to me years ago when we were
‘starting’ out as friends.
For me, befriending him was just
a challenge. I have this friend Rodel
who really likes him that time. I asked
Rodel if he was really serious about his feelings for him, he said it was just
a crush. I got curious why Rodel always
talked about Pea each cigarette break everyday in the office. There were times that I would agree with
Rodel that Pea is smart, sensible and kind.
But for me, he was more than those descriptions. We became drinking buddies. We have this ‘tower’ group because we always
go out for a drink after office. We are
four in that group. Nights were better
then. We got to unwind and talk office issues
and the latest gossips. That routine was
enough to get through with life at work.
When we transferred office, that’s the time things got complicated
between me and Pea. He had this
‘complicated’ relationship and that girl became one of my close friends that
time. I could say I was somehow part of
that relationship. The girl would talk to
me about it, would cry talking about it.
I know I got suffocated and I wanted to breathe and have a clear space
between them. I was affected that I
don’t want to see Pea in the eyes of this girl as someone who’s so
inconsiderate and dreadful. Well, on my
part, there was something different in me that I wanted to get out from their
world. So, I did. And I was hurting.
You know that feeling that when
you are already close with the person, then you wanted to break free from that
person, but you can’t totally do it because you are both in this tight
group? (We have this group in the office
called FAB, I’ll write something about it soon!) Those struggling days were hard for me. See, you learn how to appreciate a friend,
understand his thoughts, and get through with his emotions and moods-and suddenly, you get to appreciate his whole being (like being beyond the friend zone). Gosh! Even if I was hurting then, I have to remain
being his friend, somebody he knew would be there for him no matter what.
Two years ago, he had another relationship, I thought we
could have a chance to relive our ‘talks’ but since he had another girlfriend,
I intend to look on him from afar, I don't want to meddle on possible outputs in their relationship.
With this girl, I tried to be different.
I didn't want her to be a close friend, so I
distanced myself. I learned how to scratch Pea in my schedule, in my life actually. But, since we are in a
group, I still get to see him and have casual talks every now and then.
Until recently, he parted ways
with the girl, and then he had another girlfriend (again). And this ‘again’ girlfriend, broke up with
him. Things happened so fast. And I could say, I was there for him, I didn't realize how it happened, though. I never saw him so devastated and I felt his
pain. And I couldn't stand it, and I can’t do anything because the girl is not even my friend. I could just listen to him and hear his heart
aches over beer. I never imagined being
us as drinking buddies again-that I get to spend time (quality time) with him again. If you
will ask me how my heart was then, well, it was OK. I have always been the friend, right? So
despite me having or feeling ‘something’ towards him, it really didn't matter.
Pea will always be this person
whom I know will always listen to me. He
had this patience over me hearing my thoughts, catching my insults and just
letting out my angst when I need to. He
is someone I can easily fight when I need to vent out things (and he doesn't know it). He becomes my outlet when I
want to and even if he doesn't know these, he just accepts. He is a good person even if he told me that
he is so evil. He is such a dear friend
to me. Someone special and I want him to be special for the rest of our lives. For
me, what we've gone through will always be the basis of why he’ll always be
extra ordinary. I am blessed to have him
because being with him; I feel that someone is there ready to protect me. At the end of the day, I am still this girl,
being lost in this big world and he would always be there ready with a
map. That’s how I would describe it the
best.
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Pea, Agnes, Kleng & Icy - Bangkok, Thailand 2012
|
I would like to stop describing him
and writing everything on what I perceived about him because it would be unfair
giving him this full sheet. Besides, he’s not even close as being a best friend
to me. Haha! Just kidding! What I know, our friendship is still a work in
progress. It’s like we are still
starting all over again. Having this
bonding with him, talking to him, sharing things with him, it makes me feel
that we are connected again. Did I
mention that we went to Bangkok for a vacation?
We were with our other office-mates and my grade school friends. I would want to write something about that
tour, maybe soon!
 |
I asked Pea to buy this chocolate for me.
He recently went to Hongkong with his sister. |
 |
a not so 'surprise' pasalubong from him.
I like this Mickey Mouse watch a lot.
I want a 'timeless' friendship
with him, really. |
Now, going back to the
melancholic night we had, to sum it all, that night was too
heart-wrenching. I got to know what Pea
can do when he really loves a girl. I
also realized that I must have loved my former beau that I would really do
things like what G did to Pea. Pea is
G’s first boyfriend, same with my beau.
I told Pea that for a girl who had a first boyfriend; it must really be
that hard. What if until now, G is still
thinking about Pea? And while Pea was thinking about her that night, is it possible that my former beau is thinking about me too? Like Pea, will my
ex ever realized how much he hurt me?
How guilty he felt of hurting me and giving me the first broken
heart? Pea said he realized how bad he
was, did my ex think about that too? I
felt for Pea’s G and what she have gone through, but I was thinking that maybe,
this is one way of letting things out, letting things go.
Pea and I were bruised by our past.
Pea was sad, you know, a hopeful kind of sad, the kind of sad that just
takes time. It also goes for me. I know this sadness would go in time. Pain changes people. I read this somewhere: ‘Being hurt is something you can’t stop from
happening but being miserable is always your choice.’ I wanted to say those words to Pea, but I
just let him unload his baggage little by little. He said G was the reason why he can’t love
the girls (he had after G) the way he loved her. For him,
G’s love (or the way G loved him) was the ultimate thing he couldn't see in the
relationships he had after her. For me,
it sounded unfair because it isn't good to compare your present relationship
from your past. I am not sure how to
defend that, but I agree that every person we decided to love, he/she has that
special spot in our life and forever will have that space in our heart.
I have been a believer of
LOVE. Even if how many times fate would
lead me to sufferings, the unrequited love I always cross every now and then, I
am always a love-enthusiast. Even if I
am not a fan of ‘running’ events, I still prefer to be in the race. I am excited of what kind of story my life
will unfold in the next five years. (of
course I will keep you posted!)
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with Pea & the J.CO Donuts
(we had a fight because of J.CO Frappe a week
after taking this photo) |
Now, I don’t know how to end
this. Definitely, I will update you
about my friend, Pea. I am just happier
that we are both visible again in terms of ‘being there’ for each other. He told me or he sent a message in one of our conversations, that he will always be there for
me. I am counting on him. I just don’t want to be upset that’s why I am
not expecting a lot from him, besides, he’s always busy every now and then. It’s just that, I don’t want our friendship
to be just like my other guy best friends who are there because they need me (from
favors, thesis, assignments, treats, etc.) and after that, I can’t even see nor
talk to them. It makes me feel bad
because I love to talk. Maybe for now, I
am seizing the moment with Pea.
He is
such a nice guy, though. He promised me
that he will be good this time in terms of handling his life, most especially
in relationships. I am excited to see
him becoming the man that he should be.
I just wish that I will always be by his side when he needs me. I hope he will not forget me if he needs
somebody to talk to especially if he’s happy and of course when he’s not. Whether or not my feelings for this man will
subside (hopefully sooner than soon!), I will definitely be there for him.
That’s what friends are for, anyway.
Love,
O₂
p.s. don’t expect more letters
from me, okay?
Tidbits: The complete name I call him is 'Peanut Kisses', derived from a Bohol delicacy.
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| mini-chocolate hills sweets. I remember giving 'Pea' one of these way back three years ago. |
Just a thought: "the best feeling in the world is knowing that you actually mean something to someone....'
